How to make friends after moving comes down to one habit: become a regular. Pick two things that meet every week with the same people, go at least four times before you judge them, and be the person who suggests food afterwards. Expect months rather than weeks, because friendship is built from repeated hours together, and a new city starts you at zero.
Below is a plan for your first 90 days, with the exact words for the awkward parts. It won't produce a best friend by day 90, and no plan can promise that. It should leave you with a few people who know your name and one or two you could text about nothing.
The short answer
- Repetition beats variety. Two weekly things will do more than ten one-off events, because the same faces get a chance to become familiar.
- Give anything four visits. The second visit is the hardest. Nobody remembers you yet and the novelty has gone.
- Ask for introductions in week one. A friend of a friend in your new city is the shortest route there is.
- Make your first small invitation by about week seven. You won't feel ready, and that's normal.
- Do the sums. About 50 hours together makes a casual friend, so two hours a week takes roughly six months.
New city, no friends: why the usual advice falls short
Most tips on how to meet people in a new city sound sensible and leave you where you started. Three of the common ones go wrong in predictable ways.
"Get out there." A different event every week feels productive. You meet 40 people and never see any of them again. Friendship needs the reverse: a few people, many times. Jeffrey Hall, who studies communication at the University of Kansas, estimated that an acquaintance turns into a casual friend after about 50 hours together, and part of his evidence came from adults who had moved in the previous six months (Hall, 2018). Nobody reaches 50 hours with a stranger they met once at a rooftop mixer.
"Say yes to everything." This works for about a fortnight. Then you're tired, short of money and spending Saturday somewhere you never wanted to be. A better filter is to say yes to anything that could happen twice, and be choosier about the rest.
"Join a club." Closer, but plenty of clubs are a different crowd each week. Before you commit, message the organiser and ask, "Do the same people tend to come every time?" If the answer is "it varies a lot", treat it as a one-off event.
There's a fourth trap, and it sits in your own head. After a first conversation with someone new, you'll probably decide it went worse than it did. Psychologists call this the liking gap: across several studies, people underestimated how much their conversation partners liked them, in some cases for months afterwards (Boothby and colleagues, 2018). The voice on the way home telling you that you talked too much is a poor witness. Send the follow-up message anyway.
How to make friends after moving: your first 90 days
The plan has four stages, each with one job. Dates are a guide, so if you moved last year, start at the top anyway.
| When | Your job | Progress looks like |
|---|---|---|
| Days 1 to 14 | Ask for introductions, set up a routine, meet two neighbours | Someone behind a counter recognises you |
| Weeks 3 to 6 | Try three weekly things and keep the best two | Someone says "you came back" |
| Weeks 7 to 9 | Make one small invitation | A new number in your phone |
| Weeks 10 to 13 | Host something tiny | Someone else suggests the next plan |
Days 1 to 14: ask around and build a routine
If you're moving to a new city alone, this fortnight is mostly admin, and it's worth doing before the quiet weekends begin. Start with people you already know. A friend of a friend arrives with some trust attached, which puts them ahead of any stranger at any event. Send something like this to old colleagues, university friends and cousins:
I've just moved to [city] and know almost nobody here. Is there one person here you think I'd get on with? I'm after a coffee, nothing bigger. You're welcome to pass on my number.
One person is an easier question than "anyone". They can answer it while waiting for the kettle.
Then build a small routine: the same coffee place at the same hour, the same gym slot, the same evening walk. The aim is modest. You want one person in this city to know your face. Say hello to two neighbours and give yourself a reason: "I've just moved in upstairs. Is there anywhere decent for bread around here?"
One more job. If you have a regular call with people back home, move it off Friday and Saturday evenings. Those hours are about to become useful, and Sunday morning will do just as well for a call home.
Weeks 3 to 6: try three things, keep two
Choose three weekly things and test each one against four questions. Are the same people there every time? Does it happen at the same time each week? Does it give you a reason to talk to someone? Is it close enough that you'd still go on a wet Tuesday when you're tired?
Try to end up with one doing thing and one talking thing. A doing thing might be a climbing gym, a choir, a pottery class, a casual football league or parkrun, a free weekly timed 5k in many countries. A talking thing might be a language exchange, a book group or a volunteer shift.
Give each one four visits before you decide. They tend to go like this:
- Visit one is easy, because it's new.
- Visit two is the hard one. The novelty has gone, nobody remembers your name, and the person you chatted to last week isn't there. A lot of attempts end here.
- Visit three is a bit dull, and someone nods at you.
- Visit four is when someone says "you came back", which is a better sentence than it sounds.
Weeks 7 to 9: make one small invitation
By now you've probably met someone easy to be around. That's enough. Attach your invitation to something you're both already doing, so you're only asking for the next 30 minutes of their evening: "I'm getting food after this. Want to come?"
If that goes well, ask for their number in a way that takes no courage: "Can I take your number? I'm still working this city out and you seem to know things." Use it within a few days, with something specific: "Are you going on Thursday? I could do with someone to stand next to."
A no is usually about their week. Reply with "No problem, another time" and try once more a fortnight later. Two nos with no counter-offer means leave it and try someone else. You're looking for people with room in their lives, and some people haven't got any.
Weeks 10 to 13: host something tiny
Take the two or three people you've met in different places and put them in one place. Keep it so small that it barely counts: "I'm walking along the river on Sunday at ten and getting coffee after. Come if you're free, no need to reply." Leaving out the reply does two jobs. Nobody feels pressed, and you aren't counting responses at 11 at night.
Hosting moves you from guest to organiser, and organisers get invited to things. If only one person turns up, you've had two hours with someone who chose to come.
Day 90: three questions
- Is there one place where someone would notice if you stopped coming?
- Is there one person here you could text about nothing?
- Is there something in next week's diary with another person in it?
One yes means the plan is working, slowly. Three nos usually means your weekly things aren't really repeating, so swap the activities and keep the method.
What to say in the awkward moments
Most of the discomfort sits in about seven small moments. It helps to have the sentence ready before you need it.
| The moment | Try saying |
|---|---|
| Visit two, and nobody remembers you | "I was here last week. I'm [name]. I've already forgotten everyone's names, so we may have to start again." |
| You've seen someone for weeks and never learned their name | "I've seen you here enough times that not knowing your name is getting embarrassing. I'm [name]." |
| You want people to know you're new | "I moved here six weeks ago. So far I know my landlord and a man at the bakery. What should I be doing here?" |
| They ask why you moved and the true answer is heavy | "Long story. The short version is I needed a change. How did you end up here?" |
| A group is already mid-conversation | "Mind if I join you? I'm new, and this looked like the friendly end of the room." |
| A plan falls through | "No problem at all. I'm here next week anyway." |
| You want to say what you're really doing | "I'm trying to meet people here, which is a strange thing to say as an adult, but there it is." |
That last line feels exposing. Say it once and watch what happens. Plenty of people have stood where you're standing, and they'll often tell you so.
💡 Try this: keep a note in your phone with each person's name and one fact about them: the name, then "climbing, has a greyhound". Asking after the greyhound on visit three will do more for you than any opening line.
If your move doesn't fit the standard picture
You moved abroad. Start with other newcomers, as we explain in how to make friends as an adult, then add one thing with locals. Language exchanges through HelloTalk or Tandem give you a reason to talk, and InterNations is built for expats. Don't count on time alone to fix this. In Canada's 2018 General Social Survey, recent immigrants scored 1.49 on a loneliness scale running from 0 to 3, against 1.36 for people born in Canada, and immigrants who had been there more than ten years scored 1.50 (Statistics Canada, 2021). That's a snapshot of different people, so it can't tell you what will happen to you. It's still a fair warning against waiting it out. We also have guides for specific places, including Germany and Canada.
You moved with a partner. Give each of you one weekly thing that belongs to you alone. Two people who arrive together and leave together are harder to approach, and a couple can spend a year in a new city without either of them gaining a friend.
You moved for a job. Colleagues are your easiest first contacts, but get away from your desks. The University of Kansas's summary of Hall's work says hours spent working together counted for less than time spent hanging out (University of Kansas, 2018). One lunch outside the building may do more than a week of meetings. If your job is remote you've lost even that, so read how to make friends when you work from home.
You're quiet, or past 30. The method is the same in gentler settings. We've written separate guides on making friends as an introvert and making friends in your 30s.
Month three can feel worse than month one
Many people hit a low point around the second or third month. The novelty has gone, the boxes are unpacked, and the new people aren't friends yet. You're between two social lives, which is an uncomfortable place to stand.
Keep going to your weekly things during this stretch, even when they feel pointless. The hours keep adding up whether or not your mood agrees. If the low feeling lasts for weeks, or starts affecting your sleep or appetite, talk to a doctor or counsellor, and have a look at how to deal with loneliness. If you ever feel unsafe, findahelpline.com lists free support lines by country.
What to do with the empty evenings
Even a good plan leaves a lot of evenings empty in the early months. Some low-effort company helps while the slow work adds up. Call someone who knows you. Join a small online space, using our guide to making friends online.
If you use Android, Rimeso is one option: a free app that places you in a small circle around one question a day, in English or Hindi, for about four minutes a day. Be clear about what it won't do. Circles aren't based on your city and Rimeso doesn't arrange meetups, so it can't find you someone for Saturday morning. It gives you people to talk to on a Tuesday night, while the plan above does the slower work in person.
Frequently asked questions
How long does it take to make friends after moving?
Expect several months before anyone feels like a friend. Research by Jeffrey Hall (2018) estimated about 50 hours together to become casual friends and about 90 to become friends, so two hours a week reaches a casual friendship in roughly six months. Seeing someone more often shortens that.
What should I do in my first week in a new city?
Message people you already know and ask whether they know one person in your new city. Start a small routine, such as the same coffee place at the same hour, and say hello to two neighbours. Then choose the weekly activities you want to try.
Is it normal to have no friends a year after moving?
Yes, it happens to plenty of people, and it rarely means anything is wrong with you. It usually means your activities did not repeat, or nobody made the first invitation. Choose two weekly things with the same people, give each four visits, then invite one person to something small.
How do I make friends in a new city if I don't drink?
Build your week around activities: a class, a running group, a choir, a volunteer shift, a language exchange or parkrun, a free weekly timed 5k in many countries. When you suggest something afterwards, say coffee or food. Most people won't think twice about it.
Should I keep talking to old friends after moving?
Yes. Old friends keep you steady while new ones grow. Move regular calls away from Friday and Saturday evenings, so they do not take the hours when things happen in your new city.
Sources
- Jeffrey A. Hall, How many hours does it take to make a friend?, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 2018
- University of Kansas, How to make friends? Study reveals how many hours it takes, 2018
- Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom and Clark, The Liking Gap in Conversations, Psychological Science, 2018
- Statistics Canada, Self-reported loneliness among recent immigrants, long-term immigrants, and Canadian-born individuals, 2021
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